Say your foursome comes to a par three and there’s a backup – a 15 minute wait or so on a crowded course on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Say you’ve messed up the last hole, or one of your friends is just not playing his usual game. Or, say you’re just annoyed at the upcoming wait to tee off. Here’s how to tell a great joke:

– Relax and act confident. If you’re unsure your audience will sense it. And if you act confident, you’ll be confident.

– Don’t tell it in a monotone. Vary your voice and give sound effects.

– Tell the joke with a smile, don’t prematurely laugh – just keep a smile going.

– Tell a story joke. Short jokes don’t work too well to get out of a bad mood.

– Pause before the punchline.Wait at least one second before giving the punchline.

Here’s an example of how to tell a long golf joke.

“John Daly walks into a clubhouse bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar:



So John asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender says, ‘Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, Jokegame123 there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth… you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.’

John says, ‘Well, I’ve done some outrageous things in my life, but as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then it gets crazier from there.’

Well, as time goes on John drinks a few, he asks, ‘Wherez zat teeqeelah?’ He grabs the gallon of pepper tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears are now streaming down his face.

Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening grappling and thumping followed by a fierce roar, and then silence. John staggers back into the bar, his shirt is ripped to shreds and big scratches are all over his body.

‘Now’ he says, ‘Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?'”

When you tell this joke, don’t have it memorized. It’s fairly easy to remember how it goes. Stand when you tell it, relax and be confident since it’s got a great punchline. Vary your voice when you relate what John Daly says and the bartenders reply.

When you get to the part when John Daly says, ‘Wherez zat teeqeelah?’ talk in a determined drunken voice. Act out John Daly staggering out back to where the alligator is and act out him staggering back scratched and ripped up. Give sound effects for the roaring and thumping too. Pause right before giving the punchline: “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth.”

Here’s another one you can tell and act out::

A New Yorker and a Texan, both high handicappers, were spraying their shots resulting in the Texan driving and bouncing the cart through very rough tough terrain trying to find their wayward golf balls. It got so bumpy the New Yorker hit his head a few times on the cart’s roof then fell out of the cart.

“Hey, take it easy partner. This ain’t a rodeo,” the New Yorker said as he got up rubbing his head.

“Pardner, you oughta learn bronc riding,” said the Texan.

The New Yorker said, “Sounds great but there aren’t any rodeos in the Big Apple.”

“You don’t need a rodeo, Pardner. Just get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper,

‘Your sister has bigger ones’, then try to hold on for eight seconds!”

Again, when you tell this one, vary your voice from a southern Texas accent when relating what the Texan says and what the New Yorker says. Act it out too, and remember to pause a moment right before the punch line.

To keep tempers down, here’s a quote you to keep in the back of your mind when you or your friends are having a bad round and just about ready to throw a club. It’s from the movie, “Legend of Bagger Vance” and you’ll find it will help you or your friends to work back to their usual game.

“There’s a perfect shot out there tryin’ to find each and every one of us… All we got to do is get ourselves out of its way, to let it choose us… Can’t see that flag as some dragon you got to slay… You got to look with soft eyes… See the place where the tides and the seasons and the turnin’ of the Earthy, all come together… where everything that is, becomes one… You got to seek that place with your soul.”
– Legend of Bagger Vance

Sometimes a short one liner works well. Say you’re golfing on a day when the greens are super fast and everyone’s putting way past the hole only to miss the putt on the way back. If the greens are totally too fast remind everyone what the great Sam Snead said about the greens at Augusta, “These greens are so fast, I hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.” -Sam Snead on the Greens at Augusta.

Keep in the back of your mind taking golf too seriously may lead to disaster on the course as well as business relationships. If you’re playing with a client whose having a terrible round, quietly tell a great joke and your client or your friends will remember the joke a lot more than a bad round.